Food Allergy Parenting: What If They’re Not OK?

Becoming a parent was everything that I never expected. 

You take bits and pieces of what other people tell you and intertwine it with things that you figure out along the way. You make mistakes and you have really good moments that you cherish forever. Nothing is perfect while everything can seem perfect amid complete chaos. You have days when you miss the silence, but when it is too silent, your soul gets sad. Parenting is everything that I never expected. Instead, it is the ultimate gift that has no price and stays embedded in you for the rest of your life. 

I have two children- a son and a daughter. My son was born with multiple food allergies and asthma and (I suspect) a gluten intolerance.

He was born in the 2000’s which was a time when little to no allergy-friendly foods were available, local or tasted even slightly good. There was not a lot of information. The doctors didn’t have adequate training to help educate food allergy parents properly. My daughter grew up in a home that was surrounded by constant safety habits- hand washing, no food sharing, ingredient reading, a lot of cooking at home and never shopping at only one food store for all the safe foods that we needed. To her, this was normal life and dare I say, for my son as well because they didn’t know anything different. Was it challenging? Yes. Do I wish it was different? Sometimes. Ultimately, I believe that it opened us up to a more positive way of thinking about our food, cooking and the meaning of a good meal. I would have taken my son’s food allergies from him if I could have to give him an easier childhood without a second thought but that was not an option.

Fast forward 20 some years later when the inevitable knocks on your door- empty nesting.

For parents with children without food allergies, this is a new experience but for a food allergic parent…. (deep breathe). I cannot say it is much harder, but I can say that there are other factors that will continuously buzz around in your brain. It is worse than the first time your teen drove away with their new license alone. It is worse than the first time they stayed out late and you stay up to make sure they get home safely. It is worse than the first time you realize that they are “too grown up” to want to talk to you anymore because you “don’t understand”. It is worse because you know that their stubbornness could be the reason that they do not survive.

Panic is found on a whole new level- what if they are NOT ok?

We remember being their age and wanting to break free as our own person and test boundaries. They will be doing the same thing understandably. They will decide what advice they listen to and what safety precautions they continue to take with them. All the while, you are in this new parenting place that is surrounded by that same silence that you did not like when they were young and left the house. So, what if they are NOT ok?

Pause and Remember that They Are YOUR Child

This is easier said than done but try to think about all of the time that you spent instilling the importance of so many things with them. Children are magical in that their brains are like sponges, silently sopping up every bit of what we tell them whether they realize it or not. There will be a moment (countless moments) during their life that they will hear what you have said or their brain triggers a memory and they will utilize it. They probably won’t tell you or they won’t admit it until they are older, but it will happen. You have raised your child and everything that you have taught them has made them understand how to want to be an adult. This includes everything- from teaching them to brush their teeth, to how to do laundry to making sure that they trust their gut when it says Don’t eat that food. All those years that you taught them routine will stick in their everyday life – like checking to see if allergy mediations are with them when they grab their keys. The situations that they have grown up with unknowingly shaped how they will interact with everybody that they meet. It will also push them to find the most effective answers for their allergy needs, just like you did for years and years. The difference- allergy information, technology and resources now compared to when they were young is unmatchable in the best way and continues to grow. These children that we have shaped have watched us go through ups and downs without throwing in the towel and they will not either.

Bite Your Tongue

There will be times when you see that they are adulting and you will want to make a big deal about it- don’t. Save the praise for when the time is right or you may make them feel insecure about their decisions and actions. Sometimes parenting praise comes across as guilt for only being able to do things because we taught them when in reality, we handed them the tools, but they very much became the one who figured out how to use those tools better than we could have ever explained. There will be times when you need to stand back and watch how your child handles events. This will most likely be difficult since parenting is built on a strong need to keep your children safe as much as possible. Just remind yourself that they will always need you and they will ask for help when they need it. I’m willing to bet that you will be repeatedly pleasantly surprised at their routines and how you will see a nice mixture of lessons taught and lessons learned. The key is to be there when they fall without telling them they may fall- always let them fly and dust off their wings.

Forgive Yourself

Yes, this is necessary. Every single parent feels that whatever they did during younger childhood years was not enough. Every parent questions if what they did was good enough, strong enough, fair enough and noticed as such by your child. Here is the thing- each day, we do our very best. And each day, our very best changes depending on mood, new situations and any other factor that pops up unexpectedly. There will be some days that you will be too tired to cook so you let them eat cereal for dinner but they will remember this as the coolest thing ever. On days that you feel you have reached your maximum tolerance for anything so you give up, sit down and read them a book instead of sticking to your planned day will be remembered as a parent who took the time to be with them on the busiest days. It’s ok not to be a perfect parent and it’s ok to acknowledge that you also need a time out once in a while. Your family life is different from other family lives, and nobody should feel guilty for not being like what you portrayed yourself inside of your head as the ultimate parent. Do everything in love, cherish the moments that make you slow down and know that self-care is not selfish. 

So, what if they are NOT ok?

Listen, ask questions, reassure them with calmness and love to show security. There is no timeframe of when parenting ends – it is infinite. Love solves every situation. They will be ok and so will you.